Maddie-kins & Zoe-Meister

When I came home last year, my parents had a new dog. They had bought a dog in Tennessee the year before, a small maltese-bichon mix. If you're not familiar with that type of dog, and you say, "Megan, I don't think that's a real dog," that's because they're not really real dogs. They are too small and cute. Not in the least bit terrifying. When people come over for the first time and see Zoey, they are more apt to squeal in delight at the stuffed animal come to life than back away in fear of our ferocious guard dog. To compound the cuteness of Zoey, my parents had bought a small terrier-bichon mix. Where Zoey is feisty, smart and crafty, Maddie is slow, scared and simple. When my parents first got her to Alaska, she almost died from confusion. She didn't know where she was and the change was simply too great. For the first month I was home I didn't even know what she looked like because whenever I'd come in the room she'd dart under a couch or a low-hanging shelf and peer out at the occupants of the room, tail thumping uncertainly.

After a few weeks of outright terror at the sound of my approaching footsteps, Maddie started slowly warming up to me. She would crawl out from under the sofa on her belly, tail whipping in a propellor-like motion, and look at me from Mom's lap, doing what we call the Maddie-eye. She would wag her tail worriedly, crane her head back and stare at me with one eye.

At first I was excited that she finally wanted to be around me, and whenever I'd come home, I'd pick up Zoey first and she would excitedly lick and bite my face, and then I'd pick up Maddie and exclaim in disgust. She would be so excited and so confused by the massive array of emotions evoked by a returning loved one that she would pee on anyone and anything that came near. I tried not picking her up for a time, and just scratched her behind the ears as her tail went in a strange propellor like motion I've never seen a dog do before. She'd squat low to the ground, tail whirling furiously and pee on the floor instead.

All animals love my boyfriend. I don't know what it is, they just go crazy over him, and Maddie was no exception, although her version of crazy was already exacerbated by a slight inclination toward retarded. She would run up to him, tail wagging, a stream of pee marking her path but as soon as he'd reach down to pet her, she'd back up, butt low to the ground, one-eying him. Her uncertainty and love battled each other out until she finally compromised by allowing herself to be picked up and peeing on him instead of the floor.

Zoey and Maddie do not get along, which might confuse Maddie even more. They fight constantly, biting each other's necks with adorable ferocity. If you've ever imagined two pillow pets fighting, that's pretty much what it looks like.

At first, it's easy to think that Zoey is the bully, because at 4 1/2 pounds, she's a 1/2 pound bigger. She also growls at anyone who gets near her when she has an empty Pringles can nearby, or her bear keychain, which is the only stuffed animal she owns that is smaller than herself, and she is convinced is her baby.

(If you would like me to do a portrait of your animal with the same attention to detail as this one, feel free to send me a picture along with a brief description.)

I have come to suspect, however, that Maddie is the real bully. She is often the instigator, either stealing Zoey's empty food containers, or peeing directly over Zoey's pee. Maddie will jump onto one of our laps, even though Zoey is already there, and edge Zoey out.

They are both sweet, and super weird while being smart in their own way. Zoey was my favorite for a long time, but once I got to know how tricky and manipulative Maddie was, I started to respect her too.

I love them both, and even though I have a hard time thinking of them as dogs, they don't have the same problem. If there is another dog outside, or a fox, they go crazy, barking out the windows, Maddie peeing and Zoey growling. They think they are big, tough animals, and I love them for it. Actually, I'm not sure what Maddie thinks she is, but I'm pretty sure Zoey thinks of herself as a dog, since her farts are stinky enough.

I apologize for the sort of rambling nature of this post. It's been a while since I've written anything. More to come soon.