An Appropriate Blog

I think that it's really only fitting to write a blog about having a baby because recently I had a baby. Right now she is cuddling with her binky - a tool I am now convinced must be done away with but I am too scared too take it away yet.

I kind of need to make this blog fast, so I'll break it down for everyone in the Five Worst Things about having a baby and the Five Best Things. Those of you who have also had babies may feel free to disagree with me or agree vehemently.

SIDE NOTE: Once my brothers were at a friend's house playing video games and my youngest brother said that someone was staring at him "vigorously." I thought that story was pretty funny and so did my brothers and we all use the word vigorously in an inappropriate context like it's normal. Now whenever I use the word "vehemently" I have to do a mental check on whether I should be feeling vehement or vigorous.

OTHER SIDE NOTE: There is a chip crumb under my space bar and it's making it very difficult to pressspacesoifwordsarestucktogetherjustgowithit.

 Anyway. This is not writing a blog fast, I am getting very side-tracked. Allons-y!

ONE MORE SIDE NOTE: Yes, there will be poop stories.

Five Worst Things:

1. The NUMBER ONE WORST THING about having a baby is not crowning. I thought that was what it was when crowning was happening but it turns out the number one worst thing is actually liquid poop. At first her poop was dark green/brown and absolutely disgusting. The first time Danny ever changed her diaper while she was poopy he took the diaper off and had wiped everything clean when her butt started to blow a bubble. It was a perfect sphere of poop coming right out of her, threatening to burst at any second. Danny panicked and looked at me with an expression reminiscent of one seeing a hand grow out of someone's nose. He had absolutely no idea what was happening or what to do.

2. The second worst thing after poop bubbles is what happens when a baby starts pooping real poo. The dark stuff is the poop that builds up when they're in the womb from all the chocolate and ice cream you eat and lie to the doctor about. After the meconium (fancy word for uterus-build-up-poop) is gone the poop is liquid as one would expect from an all-liquid diet. What one does not expect is the mileage this poop can get when a diaper is taken off prematurely. This happened to me at least three times before I finally understood the cues of when my little angel was actually done. If the meconium-bubble picture is too graphic for you I seriously suggest you do not look at this one.

There were S-shaped patterns in our carpet for a week.

3. Forgetting you even have a baby is my third worst thing. There were many times in the first month she was born I would think, "I'm going to go see a movie today!" Um, no, Megan. You will change thirty diapers and check that she's still breathing twenty times in as many minutes today.

4. LAUNDRY! My mother and my boyfriend will be very quick to tell you that I cannot fold. It's just something that is missing in my genetic make-up. I really thought that becoming a mother would just make me a better fold-er but it hasn't. I am still awful at it and as you might have guessed, liquid poop isn't great at staying in a diaper so I'm doing laundry every day and that means folding every day.

5. The advice. I call my mom all the time to ask for advice. I also have Danny's sister who has had three kids and I ask her a lot of stuff too. And so, old woman at the grocery store, I do not need your advice. My baby loves her front-carrier thank you very much. She falls asleep as soon as I start walking. Also, lady in the waiting room, I know how to get rid of cradle cap. Compliments, however, are always appreciated. I know she's beautiful and charming and I love hearing it, which brings us to:

The Five Best Things

1. Baby smiles. Oh my god. Seriously. Magic.

That's right. I get to hang out with that awesome blondie all day.

2. Funny faces! She is finally master of her face, but I got a few good pictures before that happened.

To be fair she was pooping here. You thought the poop references were done when you left the five worst things, didn't you? Well, let me tell you, when you have a baby you pretty much sign a contract saying your life will revolve around poop for the next three years and you have to inform your friends and family of poop-related incidents.

3. Achieving milestones is one of the greatest things to watch. She's grabbing stuff, holding her head up ninety degrees off the floor, rolling over and sleeping through the night! Going to bed at eleven,waking up at two and then five in the morning is not very fun. Going to bed at ten and waking up at six-thirty is so humanizing. Taking a shower is also great. Those are the mom-milestones.

4. The compliments. I already referenced it but I just love it when people tell me how pretty she is or ask how old she is. Yes, her hair is blond and mine is brown! It's amazing! Tell me more! Her eyes are very blue, yes? Smell her head! I know, it's amazing!

5. WARNING - SAPPINESS AHEAD!: Love love love. Love love love. All you need is love! Dun duh duh duh duh All you need is love! Fo shizzle there is no other love like this. I can and do stare at her like a creeper all day because I'm so in love I can't take my eyes off her. Wowzers it's so cool. I don't even care when I'm being spit-up on or when I have to get out of the shower five minutes into it because she's crying. I don't even care! She's so great! One day she will grow up and totally lose it over being told to get off the phone or stop watching TV but for right now she is totally adorable.